Awkward Hot Girl

Well folks, a good friend has died. We went through many times…Ionic Avant. My blow dryer. Although, in truth, a family member has in fact died…my cat Garfield.  So I suppose I should be blogging about him…that would  make more sense than blogging about the loss of a blow dryer.  I feel that the loss of Sir Garfield is to hard to deal with, so I would rather mourn the loss of something trivial, even though I loved Mr. Avant.

Garfield will always live…cliche and lame, in my heart, so I clearly cannot mourn him, can I? Nah, it would be in poor taste, he would be sad that I was feeling sad, then I would be sad that he was sad, and then well, a lot of sad would be going on.  I love you Garfield, I hope you found a nice place on the couch in God’s living room, haha.

Moving on.

Mr Avant was working for me early morning yesterday. He blew me off to work and I felt satisfied.

I came home to get ready for a date, rushing in fact, hair was a little damp, who do I turn to? The most reliable one I know…or so I thought.

Avant died late last night at around 6:30 pm. He is lucky Pink Amika was there to save the day…the straightener.

I still looked great…FYI.

Sometimes all one needs is a new beginning. To see things differently, to be around different people, different culture, a whole new perspective on things.  I always feel like this is a good thing for people to do once and a while to be able to help themselves grow, but the more and more I look around I realize how people are too much alike, and not in good ways.  It’s the negativity that brings us together. Hate. Racism. Ignorance. It is so depressing.  It’s so hard everyday to wake up and try to face this world knowing how much hate is out there, but I always try to be above it all. There are so many beautiful things out there, and one in particular keeps me going every time, regardless of how extinct it may be in this day and age. Love.  The love of your friends, family is one of the best things anyone can have.  For the most part I feel as though romantic love is out of the question, I feel like it’s something of legend that someone made up long ago to keep everyone going.

Romantic love is in most things we come into contact with in our everyday lives, except our own and to me this doesn’t make sense. Unfortunately for me, I am a hopeless romantic, the kind where I almost expect that prince to ride up on his white horse and take me away, far far away from all this madness and we live happily ever after.

It comes clear to me as each day goes by, I am a dying breed, and I should cut my losses and deal with whatever I get. But there is still that voice that with each day gets smaller and smaller screaming for me to not lose hope and hold on…I am not sure who to listen to anymore or what to do.

I might just find a place and hide.

Or just go out there knowing I will be alone for the rest of my life.

I am not sure I want to deal with either.

I think I still want this.

Is it possible to miss someone you barely know?  Most people would agree its not possible…but I believe otherwise.  I believe that someone can have a profound effect on you whether or not either of you know it.  These kind of things will sneak up on you and scare the shit out of you. 

What sense does it make missing someone you don’t really know you ask? Well other than feeling embarrassed or insane that you are feeling this way in the first place…I am not quite sure.

Maybe it’s not missing the person so much as it is missing the way they made you feel when you were around them.  There are so many things in life that are impossible to explain, and this is one of them.  Some would think its fate that people enter our lives and others will believe things like a reason, a season or a lifetime.  How are you supposed to know the difference? 

Most of the time I am lost when it comes to what was supposed to be learned in a certain scenario, usually I just get annoyed think the whole world is against me and equally hate everyone.  If only this were the case or actually helped console me. 

I think there is a specific reason why people enter your life, and it’s to add or take away from who you are as a whole.  People often enter into your life and are very selfish.  I am sure I have been selfish here and there, but for the most part, I treat others how I would like to be treated, so I try to see both sides of everything before making decisions…as much as possible.

For whatever reason people enter my life (not all, but frequent visitors with the same make up) and in the end I am always trying to get things back together, or picking up pieces.  But then, there are those rare moments, when someone beautiful comes in, helping me to remember just how amazing life is.  Making me think in a way I never thought I would want to, or could.  Clarifying those things one wouldn’t know was there unless brought to their attention and then I am left to miss them…when I barely know them.  These love affairs are shorter than short and sweeter than sweet.  I cherish every moment and try to get to know this person who has shook up my world…never ends up that way though.

All I know is it is very weird, maybe I am just seeing things that aren’t there, which I often do.  At the end of the day I am sure we are not on the same page and all the missing is being done by me.

Time will tell, but for now, I’ll be missing you.

I am not sure where to start this…when does one really know when you become awkward…maybe its something you are born with.  Being awkward definitely isn’t learned, no one would ever willingly pick that up.

This all started a long time ago, I believe I was…hmm let’s say I was 12.  Going to elementary school was hard enough growing into your teeth, and figuring out who you are.  Having a crush on someone was the most confusing time ever…who knew what to do with all those overflowing feelings.

I had a crush on my best friends, older brothers, friend.  Did you get that? He was tall, blonde, hazel eyes…swoon.  Jimmy was a dream boat…how would I ever get him to notice me?

Being 12 and in love you don’t have many great ideas to choose from in your young innocent mind, un-scarred by love.  The first thought that came to my mind was POETRY.  OF COURSE!! Poetry won’t terrify a teenage boy, that is a wonderful idea!

So I went to the library, picked out a massive old poetry book, picked from Yates or something like that, very ambitious.

So I wrote out a small paragraph that I felt summed up my feelings and passed it on to my friend to give to him when he was at her house next.

I went home and anxiously awaited my friends call with the news, that he had read my poem and had fallen madly in love with me wanting to be my boyfriend for ever and ever.

The phone began to ring…I answered.  My friend told me she had given him the note, and that they were reading it as we spoke.  She then proceeded to tell me that they were laughing and making fun of me, while ripping up the piece of paper and throwing it in the garbage.  She laughed, said sorry and hung up the phone.

First heart break is the worst, if only I knew what lay ahead and how I would be longing for the days of the boy who threw my poem away.

This isn’t supposed to be a sad blog, this particular story, was just sad, there may be more of those, just warning you.  But on this journey we can see, how I never change, and never learn and continue to do the same stupid things over and over again with high hopes that one day I will find my true love.  He is out there I know it. <3